First Ever ‘National Symposium on Status Allergies’ Announces Drive for Gluten Offset Credits
Report Card: Export of High Status Food Intolerance to War Zones
Allergy Interest Groups Face-Off in Heated Summit
Status Quo Upset
Some Allergies Face Downgrade to ‘Not Hip’
Toronto – RNG – Vince Ditrich reporting.
The meeting saw the birth of a violent schism between Mothers of Children with Peanut Allergies and Pescatarian Real Estate Dabbling Hockey Moms of Calgary. You could have cut the tension with a knife – had knives not already been prohibited in a pre-Symposium anti-Bullying agreement.
Highly sought after, a fight broke out over the only legitimately Celiac recruit currently up for grabs. Gluten-Free Mothers with Minivans wanted to battle for her but hadn’t been taught how to make a fist. They lodged a formal protest on Facebook. Angry-face emojis were heavily employed. During an impassioned melee at the podium hair was pulled and one woman was viciously called a ‘size 14’. The fracture then deepened when it became known that a sub-group exists who are NOT OK with peanuts and also think fish is ‘just too fishy’.
Herve Villechaize impersonator Graham Forbes, of Lunenburg, NS, gave a multi-media presentation on Gluten-Free Tattoos.
A small but vociferous group from New Brunswick tabled a grievance that their Shellfish Allergy was fading into obscurity, but was a deadly and serious condition. Someone from Gluten-Gluten-Who’s-Got-The-Gluten yelled, “Shellfish is so LAST YEAR”, reducing the entire meeting into a hail of bio-degradable cups and wrappers. A chant of ‘Not Hip! Not Hip!” brought events to a near-standstill.
Gluten-Curious ad hoc outliers ‘Vegetables are Cheaper’ protested the high cost of Symposium fees, demanded reimbursement for their bus fare, and at one point undercut their position with an address insulting tomatoes, squash, eggplant, cucumber, asparagus, kale, okra, turnip & broccoli. One member delivered fiery remarks titled, ‘It’s Subtraction, Not Substitution’, an opinion piece describing how difficult it is to wheedle discounts out of restaurants. To the surprise of all present they chose to endorse potatoes.
In a brilliant tactical move they were brought back onside by the Winnipeg based Fathers’ group ‘My Wife Says I’m Gluten Free’, who bought everyone McNuggets, ‘just this once’.
Splinter group, Mothers Who Claim to be Vegetarian But Secretly Gobble Bacon, were not present due to the proximity of an IHOP to the Convention Centre.
Though the Vegans of Victoria were too sick to assemble a quorum and so abstained from voting, a few of them drifted over to Salon B where the Canadian Association of Medical Dramatics was having their annual “Cough-i-Con”. They reported two excellent seminars in progress, one “Making the Most of Your Cold” and “Romance and Medical Jargon: When Dementia Praecox Has Multiple Meanings”. They also commented favourably on some of the kiosks, where items such as fake conjoined head appliances were available at reasonable prices. Ellen Pompeo was on hand to appear at a guest panel and autograph catheters.
After someone mischievously swapped Homo milk for the preferred Soy substitute, Dr Beata Rasminksa of the Conclave of the Dairy Intolerant sent a Press Release from the Ladies Room in the Concourse. She stated that is was a ‘darn good thing’ that she was an Optometrist, since she’d be able to recognize immediately the moment she would shit herself blind.
During luncheon, discord was sown by Eastboro Nutrional Evangelists who sat sneering at the dinner tables reciting chapter and verse to do with the chemical contents of every dish.
Last Spring’s Twitterstorm by outraged Allergy Moms prompted a frank exchange of opinions surrounding the report that there are, so-far, no known cases of Gluten Allergies in the War ravaged areas of the world to which some Symposium members have recentlytraveled, despite their earnest attempts to educate. Vice-Chair Jennifer-Anna-Maria Smigly-Rydz-Watson-Watt, demanded an immediate airlift of Medicin sans Frontiere, replete with a large psychiatric compliment, to get to the bottom of ‘all that nonsense’. There was general agreement and some applause.
The Peanut Caucus had a scrum about legislating the State of Georgia out of existence, but couldn’t compile a list of recommendations for implementing it, plus one of them has an Auntie there. In the afternoon, a motion was passed to demand more & better Designer Grief at the Provincial level. The committee referred this to the Advisory Council, who, they hoped, would model this after Cough-i-Con’s “Bedazzle Your Flu” seminar.
A subsequent motion recommending legislation requiring all farm animals to have names and cute outfits was defeated due to lack of sewing supplies. There was additionally a Federal grant request for a large strategic reserve of ‘Sadness-Lite’. Whispers in the Gallery indicate this one might die in committee due to its vagueness.
A reception was held at 6pm, with refreshments and a brief programme of entertainment supplied by performer Juice Gluten on a Dulcimer made of Compost.