Alexander the Great had cemented his exploits in history so convincingly by age 33 that even the most brazen revisionist couldn’t downgrade him to ‘Alexander the Merely Adequate’. Edmund Hillary was 33 when he summited Everest. Hannibal crossed the alps with 37 elephants and 40,000 troops when he was 35. Joan of Arc was the heroine of France at age 16, and was burned at the stake at 17 (grisly but memorable). Neil Armstrong? Thirty-Eight when he made his Giant Leap. Boudica did enough for politics and combat to be remembered for the next two thousand years upon her untimely death at age 31. As for my greatness, I am 55 and cannot locate my pants at this moment.
My Fruit of the Looms swaddle me as I give you the fruits of my creative writing. Frankly, although fetchingly be-gonched, my get-up fairly screams that any dreams of Alexandrian conquest are now well out of reach. I was going to be an astronaut and rock star; that damned Hadfield scooped me. In semi-retirement I was going to be a multi-millionaire famous for philanthropy. Turns out that giving away all your money really affects your savings.
In fairness to my own legend I crawled under the house twice this week and I mowed the lawn once. I made an ambitious to-do list, boldly underlined and copiously annotated with asterisks and other cool doodles. That’s the first step in any great undertaking, I think. I also optimized the laundry, doing four loads where I’d normally only manage three and cajoling others to fluff & fold. It may not be discovery of the Northwest Passage but over here it’s a bleedin’ miracle.
As you can probably figure out I just had a major birthday. I’ve heard a hundred people say ‘Fifty-Five is the new Forty’. I like the sound of it but I don’t agree. By fifty-five you’ve circled the track so many times that all the normal drama just gets boring. Yes, yes, you’ve had a tough day my child, but long, slow queues and crappy cel reception don’t count. I on the other hand have parts falling off me and fully expect some doc to say I need a brain transplant…
Add to all this a shock of realization that my historical touchstones are receding swiftly. The eternally youthful John F Kennedy, a great historical signpost for someone my age would have celebrated his 101st birthday this May. Marilyn Monroe would have been 92. Churchill nearly 150! In fact the Amazing Kreskin is in his mid-eighties and I doubt if even he saw this coming.
As for the bright side of time’s rapid passage, I was able to text my wife just now and she knows exactly where my pants are!!
© 2018 :: Vince R Ditrich :: www.randomnotegenerator.com :: All Rights Reserved
Image Credits: War Elephant: Elmarco’s Web
Head Transplant GIF: http://referencepaulstudentstories.blogspot.ca/2015/07/head-transplant.html
Walker Collapse: http://www.Guff.com